It's January. 18th. In just over 3 weeks, I'll be 19. I'm still a virgin.
I am currently in the exclusive club of people who have gone 16 months without physical interaction with the opposite sex. While I do not think about this fact often, it certainly has a prevalence in defining who I am. Part of me somehow wishes my sexual inactivity was on purpose, and thus justifiable.
As far as "random hookups" go, as suggested in the comments of my last post, I have no large issue with my first time being extremely special, but my lack of desire to do so is more a result of the following equation:
energy of hormones <>
Since I last posted, one of my best friends, who is fairly similar to me in terms of personality and sexual activity happened to meet a girl whom he is now dating, and, I would assume, sleeping with. It baffles me, mostly because the entire encounter of them meeting was totally by chance. Essentially, I am playing Vegas right now and I have lost my shirt.
In an exchange I had tonight with one of my friends, he commented on the attractiveness of a girl we both know, then asked if I knew she was single, to which I responded that I thought she was, asking if he was interested. He then said something quite poignant: "I'm pretty interested...but I know that nothing would ever really come of it."
That's pretty much how it has been with every girl I have had a crush on here. Call me pessimistic, realistic, or just not horny enough. Or, just call me on a telephone.
and I promise the next post won't be in April.
I love reading blogs written anonymously by people my age. I mostly read girls' blogs, because they are usually more expressive and well written. These blogs are written anonymously because they usually talk about things that society (i.e. their friends/family) would not consider appropriate discourse. I am generally a pretty normal, unemotional person without any sort of over-bearing Freudian thoughts that I feel like I need to talk about anonymously in a blog, but I feel like I should offer up this perspective, being that I assume it is pretty unique:I am an 18 and a half year old guy who is a sophomore in college, and I have never had sex, nor do I envision doing so anytime in the near future.
However, I am not unattractive/obese, extremely religious, or lacking in social skills. It is probably a result of one of the following:
- I don't drink or do drugs, nor I am frequently around anyone (especially girls) when they are.
- I immediately notice the flaws of people (girls) when I get to know them.
- I rarely make poor decisions.
My roommate, is, in all likelihood, a virgin. He is 19 and a half, and a large football player with glasses and braces. I would assume that generally his physical appearance is keeping him from doing the deed, as I can barely stand to look at him without a shirt on. I can imagine that he, along with me, is part of the extremely small minority of college sophomores who have not had sex. But, with me, I guess it just comes down to the fact that I do not have a girlfriend, and I don't really envision myself having sex with someone I don't know. I have had one girlfriend since I have been in college, and we went out for two months. After the first month, it became apparent that I had deluded myself into thinking she was someone she was not in order to "trick myself into liking her." So, I decided it would be best not to have sex with her and have her get more attached to me. This is pretty much the only opportunity I have had, and I've been shopping around for would-be devirginizers for the last year. As the year-mark approaches, I have begun to meditate more than I've wished on why I am forced in this condition, and the possible repercussions from it:
Good:
- No STDs, jealousy, drama, dependency, condoms, sexiling my roommate.
Bad:
- No companionship, relief of sexual tension, use of my abilities at their prime functionality/opportunity, among others.
Now, if you're wondering, I actually masturbate very little. Back in high school, it was more like once a day, but now, I'd say 3 times a week at most. (This is partly just the laziness of waiting until my roommate is out of the room, then forgetting to.) So, I'm not really sure how I function. I don't think about sex all the time; in fact, probably much less than most.
So I go back to my hobby of reading blogs, usually which involve girls candidly and anonymously talking about their sexual desires. Perhaps I am trying to vicariously live a sex life through words, but it's more just a study of human nature and an attempt to understand the subconscious of who I know. This is more to see if I have a similarly strong subconscious as a result of my sexual inactivity, and to see how my unique situation in college affects me or my experience greatly, if it does. That, and I am probably looking for some sort of imaginary audience to appreciate my virginity and motivate me to end it. I'll take whatever help I can get, at this point...
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